The real problem with DRAMA is that we often fail to see that we are a part of the problem. We are quick to point the finger, accuse others and even downright deny our involvement in any of the situations that are going on around us, yet we are stuck drop dead in the middle. Yes – You are STUCK right in the middle of The Drama Triangle (Karpman).
It’s not what you think, it’s not like the Soap Opera, reality TV mess of the Housewives of Beverly Hills, but it’s still a mess.
Let me explain to you exactly what the cycle is and then I will give you some ways to get out of the cycle.
There are three major areas: Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor it’s important that you understand what they are so when you recognize them in yourself you can make adjustments. Self Awareness is the beginning of success.
1. The Victim: Is a person many of us can identify with. Either we have been the victim or rescued a victim. Victims are always playing the poor pitiful me role; they tend to be very smart yet are incapable at times of achieving success. They often display high volatility in emotion and at times are an emotional mess, even in their work.
Victims don’t like to ask for help even when they need it, then they say things like, “I don’t know why no one offered to help or I just can’t believe you would leave me out here like this.” You try to listen objectively and not get involved but your own emotions are tugging at you, thus rushes in…
2. The Rescuer: Always rushing in to save a victim, with no care or thought of personal safety. Their only thought is that this person needs me, they can’t possibly be capable of taking care of this for themselves; I have to save them from this mess.
Yea, I know right just like an episode from Y&R (The Young and The Restless). They just want to save something or someone from something. Of course they think they are more than prepared for the feat and everyone will thank them for their help. However as you know this is not always the way things end up and in the midst of the frustration the Judge steps in…
3. The Persecutor: Judge Justice, the creator of I told you so and if only. This person is always right and feels that if only you would have listened you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. After all they know best. When you try to explain that you only wanted to figure things out for yourself, they go on to be silent, almost mute, smirking and saying to them, “I bet you listen next time.”
Tell me where are you in this triangle? If you are in a relationship and you are not effectively cultivating an environment of love, safety and security then you are definitely in this cycle. I myself have been caught up at different times using ineffective behaviors and communication; thinking I was right only to be so wrong.
Now enter our CHAMPIONS, the alter egos of these folks that are caught up in the Drama Triangle. They are creative, successful, positive, happy people who possess skills that you only wish you had. Guess what you can. I will map out the steps below. These were taken from a model created by Dr. David Emerald called TED (The Empowerment Dynamic)
1. Co-Creator: The alter ego of the Victim. This person is confident; they feel powerful, hopeful and aware. They know that they have the answers and through creative thought, problem solving and focus they are able to do what needs to be done.
It’s a pretty picture right? You can be this person. You are this person it’s just a matter of adjusting your perspective on your situation, practicing positive affirmation and trusting that you are able. Build your skills and create yourself into the type of person you want to be. Remember this is a NO WHINING ZONE!
2. Coach: How does it feel to know you never have to rescue another person? Yes I said never. Coaches know that people are more than able, they have power inside themselves that is unimaginable and Coaches cultivate an environment for people to SHINE! Yes SHINE!
Coaches empower others; they believe in you, are aware, objective and know people are more than capable of taking care of themselves. They revel in being there to champion you on as you get up and do whatever needs to be done. Coaches are secure in themselves, thus they don’t have a need to be in the spotlight or get all the credit for your success.
3. Challenger: Good-Bye Judge Justice! In appears one of my favorite people because if I could put a face on them, they would probably look a lot like me. The Challenger is smooth (just my thoughts); they have mastered the art of asking challenging questions. They realize that problems need to be solved and that no one gets anywhere fast if they are stuck pointing the finger.
They don’t care about being right, they desire Peace and wish to see others grow, improve and become the best they can be. Challengers are willing to engage positively should conflict arise, they are able to manage their emotions and bring clarity to the situation and not turn a blind eye.
I hope you have enjoyed reading this post. I wanted to keep it light so that you get the full picture. While each of us plays a role daily on the triangle it is up to us to select a new perspective and create positive skills that will be helpful and beneficial to those around us.
Empowerment is more than just saying a kind word. It’s really the spark that creates a fire. Leave your comments below and do your best to be a Co-Creator, Coach or be a Challenger in your daily life.
Peace & Blessings Coach Billie
I woke up this morning thinking, “What is a powerful story I could share?” Well this is
the one that came to mind, the famous story of The Tortoise and the Hare.
Recently at a Toastmaster’s Meeting a fellow Toastmaster read a popular children’s story and shared that as we change and grow our perspectives on the story often changes as well.
I found this to be true as I was able to identify with the Hare; as I have been the Hare at different times in my life. Here are a few lessons I learned from this popular fable.
Lesson # 1: Sometime we take too long to make decisions.
Sure the Hare did not think out his plan clearly but he acted, he saw his opportunity and he acted. The lesson learned is simply this, though he probably had many failures he learned a valuable lesson that would take him through life.
You can’t get anywhere if you’re still sitting at the starting line.
Lesson #2: It’s ok to make mistakes they only make you more aware.
The Hare learned to be more persistent and that being the fastest does not always equate to being the winner.
Persistence always wins as it helps you to build muscle.
Lesson #3: Competition is not always between you and someone else.
As we saw for the Hare his only competitor was himself and his thinking. Our limited beliefs, his being “I am the fastest so I can lie around and take a nap” this idea was his downfall.
Some of us think this way as well, I am the best, strongest, etc. So I don’t really need to learn more, do more or expend extra energy to accomplish the next task.
As they say this will result in an EPIC FAIL!
Lesson #4: Slow and Steady really does win the race.
The Tortoise was a perfect example of this, even in the face of sure defeat he persisted. He kept going and never ever looked back.
Persistence will take your further than worry, boasting, or fear any day.
Lesson # 5: Don’t worry about the guy next to you, just run your own race. You already won it in your mind! That’s where it all begins.
If you can see it you can achieve it!
There are many other lessons I took away from this story but these were the ones that stuck out. I hope you found them useful as well as entertaining and remember DO IT AFRAID!
Peace & Blessings,
Recently I spoke to a group of women about the importance of knowing and understanding your leadership style. It was a great meeting and everyone seemed to have walked away with a few new tools in their toolbox.
What I found interesting about this meeting is that all of these women were in some stage of Entrepreneurship, either there are brand new business owners or they were well seasoned. When asked the question, “Do you know your leadership style?” I received several different responses.
Some knew because they had taken some type of Assessment at some point in their career yet they had not bothered to re-evaluate the results. Some knew and understood what it all meant; while others were not sure and some simply didn’t know. After a brief leadership style assessment they soon discovered what their major style of leadership was.
I loved the responses as some still weren’t very sure what that meant, if they agreed or if it really would make a difference. What I wanted these ladies to know and you as well is this, it does make a difference. Knowing what type of leader you are helps you to be more effective in roles of Leadership. It helps you to build a cohesive team and to have a good understanding of why you do the things you do.
Knowing your leadership style allows you to be able to adjust to certain situations with the proper responses and techniques. Also as women it is important that we BUST some of the myths surrounding women in leadership.
Here are just a few:
Myth #1 There’s nothing holding women back from becoming the leaders they want to be.
Truth: Even in 2013 women (on average) still earn less than men
Standards set by other women hinder us as well (these are traditional myths about the roles of women)
There is a misunderstanding of gender roles (leadership) across the board.
Myth #2 Women are not raised to be leaders
Truth: Little girls are raised to be
Compassionate, good listeners, problems solvers, honest, friend to all and the list goes on. When you look up the characteristics of a good leader there should be a picture of some 5 year old girl there. (this is just my opinion )
Myth # 3 Leadership only exist at the top of Organizations
Truth: Formal and informal leadership opportunities exist at every level of organizations even your small business. I’m talking to my Entrepreneurs and Solopreneurs out there.
We discussed many other things and yes you can find the comments about this talk over on Meetup at the link http://www.meetup.com/Womens-Power-Networking-Coffee-and-Contacts-Fayetteville/events/127228892/
It was an Inspired and Empowering talk. I am honored that ladies allowed me to do it. At the end I asked these questions. I would love for you to answer them and leave your comments here.
Questions to ask yourself
1. Name 3 Women in leadership that you admire. (Men choose three men).
2. What do you admire about them?
3. What is their leadership style?
I asked these questions as we can learn a lot about ourselves by the people we admire and follow. By finding out more about their leadership style you will be able to choose what traits you would like to have and then begin making steps to become a better leader. Role Models are great we just need to make sure they line up with our beliefs and value systems. In doing this it will help you to become more of the Great Leader you desire to be.
Name 3 things you can do to become a Better Leader?
To learn more about leadership styles visit http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_84.htm